The Perks of being a Wallflower…

Have you ever just… stopped? Stopped breathing, stopped thinking, stop dreaming, stopped – and just observed? A completely insane moment where you don’t want to shine, you don’t want to live – you just want to exist. These moments should be far and few in between, but they exist for us all.

The weekend has been very introspective for me, due to the hectic events going on in my life which was further amplified by reading the book mentioned above. I was thinking of both achievements and failures, and how that affected me as a person. I was thinking about the people around me, and what they thought, and their stories, and their feelings. It made me wonder, wonder, wonder.

The main character in the book, Charlie, says,

• And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing “unity”.
  It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too.“

which really made me think. It’s true, in a sense, that no one experience of ours is unique – what makes us unique are many experiences combined coupled with their reactions. A song that means a lot to me may just be another song to you. Or how sometimes things make you angry and then sometimes it just makes you sad or happy, all based on how you feel at a given moment.

It also made me think about those moments when you drop into a chasm of depression for no apparent reason, and how suddenly it disappears – sometimes helped by a text, smile, memory, or just time. It made me wonder if human beings are born happy with life trying to beat it out of them, or if we’re all just really sad trying to be happy. Because it’s always ‘the little things‘ isn’t it? It’s not the grades, but the times sneaking out and doing silly things that we often remember. Or the impromptu road trips rather than the long nights of assignments.

Its times when I think of all these things that I wished I could stop thinking all together, because really, why do human beings keep trying to fix that which is not broken? We break things by trying to fix them, people mostly.We fall in love with people who don’t love us back; we ignore those that do. I remembered that quote after reading this passage:

“I remember going to sleep last night, and I realized something. Something that I think is important. I realized that throughout the course of the evening, I wasn’t happy about Craig and Sam breaking up. Not at all. I never once thought that it would mean Sam might start liking me. All I cared about was the fact that Sam got really hurt. And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn’t matter.“

It made me remember that feeling – not being able to choose who your heart gave itself too – but also knowing that it is expandable and that there is always room for more opportunities (and healing) if you’re willing to take them. It made me remember that people change in hours, that emotions are fickle and somewhat treacherous half the time, people don’t even know what they feel, what they want.

It also made me remember feelings of freedom. Sometimes you do something so decidedly stupid to feel alive, like drive really fast, a hold a blade to your skin just to feel the danger, or things like bungee jumping or roller coasters – I mean, think about it. Why do people pay tons of money to scare the shit out of themselves? Why do people do anything at all?

“There’s something about that tunnel that leads to downtown. It’s glorious at night. Just glorious. You start on one side of the mountain, and it’s dark, and the radio is loud. As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it. It really is a grand entrance.”

And then when I find myself thinking about all this and analyzing behavior, I’m becoming more and more certain that I am severely going to enjoy neuroscience and psychology. I leave you with one more quote, because I saw it on 9gag.com (stay away from this black hole of productivity) and I thought it was poignant:

Book mentioned: The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Author: Stephen Chbosky

Rating: A-

Edit: A quick Google search showed that Emma Watson will be staring in a film adaptation to be out sometime next year! How very quaint, I imagine she’d make a great Sam.